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Manhandled 4 (2011) with Kristina Rose and James Deen

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Lost

I’m struggling to breath, struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Everything is good one moment and not the next. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Everyday it’s the same, work Monday to Friday and come home to an empty apartment. Yes, I love my cats and I hold on for dear life when I see them… But I miss not being alone, I missed being loved. I miss the affection and feeling in control of my life. I miss dedicating my time to one woman. I miss late night cuddles every night, and every morning kissing someone before leaving. I feel like I have no purpose. My life seems stuck in a place I don’t want to be. I feel lost in my own dread and in my own memories. I want to do something, anything, to get out of this rut. I’m better than this, so why is it so hard for me not to feel so lost? I’m hoping for something more with someone right now, but she’s not ready for anything and not sure about me… But I wish I could do more for her, be more for her… This feeling of uselessness is brutal… I want out. So please, give me a reason for my next step. Give me the chance to love you the way I wish I could… When you’re ready. Because despite all this and my sense of being lost, you’re the one that makes me feel found and certain.

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